"Open your heart, girl, let Me make your dreams come true!"

At long last, I am finally sitting down to blog. I have seriously been trying to write for 2 weeks, but everytime I sit  down to post, something else grabs my attention, or I literally can't think of anything to say, which is infuriating because I am one of those kinds of people who thinks about blogging alot and is always trying to find ways to write about everything. Weird I know :)

So here I am. Sitting outside on my screened-in porch with my coffee. The Lord has blessed us so much these past few mornings. We have had a reprieve from the oppressive heat, at least in the morning hours. It is sunny and cool, and there is a breeze making everything just a bit better. I love this porch. I have decided it is going to be my special spot, at least as long as weather permits. We just bought new patio furniture and a rug and cute little lights...so its just perfect.



Well, where to begin.

I came home from the farm last week. Needless to say, I was pretty depressed after coming home. I just don't know. It was so hard for me to leave when I had really been a grown-up for over a month, living away from my family, doing what I absolutely love, surrounded by the beauty of the rolling green hills and mountains and farms. Not that I don't love my family, but it was just nice "growing up" a little bit. So yeah, coming back to Chesapeake was not the funnest experience for me.

I have been thinking and praying so much about what God wants me to do with my life. I have so many directions and dreams and aspirations, it makes me dizzy. And when you are a control freak like me and want to have everything planned and you want all the details now...well, lets just say "being anxious for nothing" becomes a struggle.

Can I be real for a second? Life is hard. And I honestly find it difficult looking to Jesus in seasons like this. I know I am on the brink of a new season of life, and that excited me more than anything. Also it scares the heck out of me, because I honestly have this notion that I am going to completely mess up God's plan for me and I am going to accidentally go the wrong way, and I won't be in His will like I want to be. But He has been showing me and encouraging me through His word that just like scripture says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord directs His steps."
I belong to Jesus, and therefore He is leading me and directing me, even if i don't realize it. I am free to just live. Sounds simple I know, but it honestly gave me so much freedom.

Another thing I have been contemplating this week was something my mom observed...

 I had a legit meltdown yesterday. I just get so anxious and worked up about the future, and then days come where I totally lose it. I feel physically sick and my heart is so heavy from worrying. I don't know WHY I do this, but I don't think we get to pick our sin struggles. It would be nice if we could. Anyways, like I said, I was feeling overwhelmed. I have been walking through a long season of disappointment. You know like when thing after thing after thing just goes wrong? And you get your hopes set on things, and then nothing works out like you dreamed or prayed? Yeah, that's me.

But once again, the Lord remains faithful. I was just sitting on the swing, utterly defeated and weary, and the Lord brought me this reminder...

Lift. Your. Eyes.

Lift your eyes! Get your thoughts off yourself and all the "bad" and look to Jesus! He is over everything you are feeling! Taste and see the fullness of His peace! Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you! He really does love me. Even when I am a mess. Even when I fail miserably. Even when I frankly don't feel madly in love with Him! He loves me. He cares for me. Will I lift my tear stained face to Him and see those loving eyes filled with adoration and mercy and compassion?

Jesus, I want to see you!

So after a long week of struggling and crying and praying, the Lord is bringing my heart peace. My problems don't vanish the second I realize I need to trust God even when i don't want to, and no, my worries and anxieties don't vanish by any means...but I do have that reassurance that in dark times like this, I can lift my eyes to my Jesus, the one who loves me more than anything and who gave His life for me, that I might never have to be alone.

And He has given me hope for my future. Proverbs says, "Hope differed makes the heart sick." I have certainly had many hopes deferred. BUT my story doesn't end there! Goodness gracious, when am I going to get it through my thick skull that God has SO many wonderful things in store for me?!?!

Day by day, I think I believe it just a little bit more.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11: 28-30

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"--

1 Corinthians 2:9

"...Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God!"

Psalm 43: 2-5

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord!"

Psalm 27:13-14