a dream.

So I have been doing alot of thinking recently. About lots of things really, but mainly I have been doing alot of honest, soul-searching questioning of myself. It's funny how differently you think of things when you don't have pressure from outside sources influencing your thinking. Like you can just take two seconds, just you and God, and think, talk and pray.

I've been thinking of life, and what I wanted it to look like.

Everyone has dreams and visions and ideas of the ideal life, right? I know we all go through every day with an ever-present awareness of our dreams and are always on the lookout for ways to make them happen. And if you are anything like me, dreams can often seem so far off, so unattainable, and I am always brought back down to earth  with the reality that it is only a dream.

But what if it wasn't? What if it was indeed the voice of God confirming His will to you? What if it is His way of encouraging you to keep your eyes focused upward and hoping in Him, rather than down at yourself, and all your troubles and worries?

For as long as I can remember, my dreams have revolved around three things: 1) Living on a large working farm with animals, hay, lots of green rolling hills, and a huge garden and orchard. 2) Having alot of kids. Like at least 8. Yes, I have always been one of those people. I want a huge family. I love children and they bring me such untold joy and happiness that the idea of having them as mine to love and look after and teach about Jesus...gaaah it just makes me so happy. And the third thing, well really I would've put it first. I have always wanted to be married. Married young. I don't know why my heart has wanted this for forever, but I guess it just really has been the desire of my heart to be someones partner in life. Someones best friend. Someones encourager, helper and best friend. Going through life with a teammate and never "being alone" just appeals to me. And like I said, my whole dream life has always been revolved around that one guy.

And so as you can imagine, when relationships don't work out and whatnot, I feel like my whole life is going to spiral out of control because a kind of important part isn't there!!

I know God is chuckling at me right now. And it's not just a funny laughing at my craziness chuckle. No, it's one of those where He can't contain the anticipation of having me find out all the things He has planned for me. That little shaking of the head and that, "Oh Hannah, Hannah, Hannah Leilani...Just you wait. Just you wait and see how I am going to blow your mind with the things I have in store for you."

And when I think of it like that, it's amazing, but suddenly my ideas and dreams and plans for my life suddenly mean nothing. I stop planning around the guy. I stop fretting about insignificant details. I stop worrying. Because I remember who I am,  who I belong to, and what my hope is in. Life is only about Jesus. Serving Him, Living for Him, spreading and sharing His love with the world around me.


So all that to say, I have been thinking of a life totally different. Another dream. Another goal. To love Jesus. I have been thinking of other things and other plans that don't involve my other dreams. Like my dream of traveling all over the world as a nurse. Ministering to a hurting world and not only doing what I can to fix their physical pains, but also share with them that they don't have to carry that pain in their hearts any longer. My dream of being a missionary. Of dedicating my whole self to the spread of the Beautiful Gospel. The Good News of Jesus. Sharing all that He has done with those who have never heard! Seeing lives transformed, seeing captives set free from chains of sin, of addiction, of  despair...oh friends, that makes me want to yell with joy. Gathering hurting people and telling them that they are loved and accepted and forgiven.

And finally, my children. Ever since I told Jesus I released my dreams to Him, and that I would let Him lead me, I have been thinking and praying for African children. The Lord told me I will have many. And He even told me that He wanted me to name the oldest boy Isaiah which means, "Salvation of God; the Lord helps me." Whoa!! Yes Lord, bring salvation to my sweet children, wherever they are. Help them Jesus. It's funny, I have never seen, met or heard of any of these children specifically, yet already my heart is lost to them. I pray for them with a passion and urgency that I have never experienced before. I wonder how they are doing, I pray continuously that God will watch over them and keep them safe, and already love them more than words can express or describe.

The Lord has really shifted my thinking. Taken my dreams and turned the focus from me to Him. Praise the Lord! Nothing else matters. In the end, only Jesus remains. All of these things will pass away, but He will forever be there, standing with me.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3: 8-11



a kiss to build a dream on :)

try not to smile too much!! :)

"When somebody loves you

It's no good unless he loves you - all the way

Happy to be near you

When you need someone to cheer you - all the way

Taller than the tallest tree is

That's how it's got to feel

Deeper than the deep blue sea is

That's how deep it goes - if its real

When somebody needs you

It's no good unless he needs you - all the way

Through the good or lean years

And for all the in between years - come what may

Who knows where the road will lead us

Only a fool would say

But if you'll let me love you

It's for sure I'm gonna love you - all the way

All the way

So if you'll let me love you

It's for sure I'm gonna love you - all the way

All the way."

-Frank Sinatra

 

Remind me.

So I'm not perfect. Surprise surprise.
I don't know why I expect it of myself then! Like where. is. this. coming. from. Seriously. I mean, I know that God loves me just the same on my good days like he does my bad. But like I told my mom the other day, I just feel better about myself when I am perfect. When I do things right. When I work out for an hour, five days a week. When I make A's on tests. When people come to me for counsel, and immediately I have a super spiritual answer and they go away feeling better. When I lose 3 lbs in one week. When I get along amazingly with all 3 of my sisters. When I am happy, energetic and yes, love going to parties, care group and other functions to see people. When I don't want to do anything but go and read my Bible or listen to Christian music when I get in the car. When I go the whole day just praying and talking to God in the back of my mind. When I am motivated to serve others and sacrifice my interests. When I actually crave the salad instead of the peanut butter. When I clean my room. When I clean the kitchen just cuz I feel like blessing my sister by doing her dish night. Those are pretty stinkin' good days right there people. I am happy with myself, my self-esteem is high, people like me (because I'm super bubbly and happy and spiritual remember), church life is awesome, and oh yeah, God definitely loves me and is pleased with me... i mean come on! who wouldn't be??

and then i remember I'm human. the days that go by where I want to exercise, but just feel so daggon lazy, I make excuses why a run really isn't a good idea today. Or when I bomb a test because yes, I went to bed at 7 pm and didn't want to wake up early and study. Or even better, when I just totally skip the whole homework thing. Heck, watching Grey's Anatomy all night is way more interesting. When girls text me, in dire need of encouragement and I go blank. All I say is "Sorry I don't know.... ummm..I'll be praying for you....???"  When I gain 5 lbs and my jeans are once again too tight. When I am an absolutely brat with my family who is being nothing but loving and gracious with me. When I go to church and avoid people, not wanting anyone to know how much I really don't like the way life is going right now. When I cancel plans with people because I just don't want to put on that mask and pretend. When I flat out avoid chores, dish nights and pshh, forget serving. I'll do just enough of MY job so I don't get grounded. When I don't give a care about the salad. I will have that peanut butter. When I think Christian music is boring, and crank that country or hip hop at 6 in the morning. Goodness gracious... am I crazy?

I'm  just trying to be real here. I don't know what the matter is. I just feel like a despicable human being sometimes. Those days where I am like, wow. I seriously wonder if I am a Christian. *sigh*

I'm in a dry season. I know that. Even this blog points to that I am sure. I used to get lots of comments about how encouraging and inspiring my posts were. Now I sometimes wonder if I offend people. I don't mean to complain. I guess I am just struggling. And I hope that somewhere, even if it is just one person, that there is someone who might be struggling with life too. And that they might be comforted knowing they aren't alone.

Friend. Whoever you are...you are not alone.

Life gets tough. I am growing up and realizing that more every single day. The devil will try everything to get you to be discouraged and say "Screw this. God, I don't even feel you near anymore. If you really did love me, you wouldn't let all these trials to come and make me miserable." I'm not going to lie, this thought has entered my thinking many times. And it saddens me. But then...

There stands my Jesus.

My Jesus. My Helper. My Strength. My Strong Tower. My Healer. My Comforter. My Refuge. My Joy. My Song. My Almighty God. My Savior. My One and Only Love. My Provider. My Shield. My Shepperd. My Hope. My Song of Songs. My King of Kings. My Father. My best friend.

He is the one who enables and helps me to endure. Right now, I am in a place of just trying to keep one foot in front of the other. Life is very confusing and stressful. But nobody said it was going to be easy. I am just going to tell you right now. Whoever told you being a Christian was going to make all your problems vanish-yeah, they were lying to you. It is no cakewalk. It is a fight. A brutal, challenging, glorious, life-long, beautiful fight. And praise be to God, He doesn't leave me to fight alone!

 All this condemnation the devil hurls on me...why is it making me so downcast? Because I am not letting my Jesus fight for me. Why am I feeling so anxious and depressed because of life's circumstances? Because I am not letting Jesus lift my heavy burden off my shoulders for Him to carry. Why am I feeling despair and hopelessness about my future? Because I am not trusting in Him and His unfathomable love for me, and am doubting His power to bless me beyond my wildest dreams. Why am I not joyful? Because I am forgetting that I am free. Free to go. The debt has been paid, my chains have been loosed, and my burden of sin has fallen off my weary shoulders into the mouth of the pit as I stand in the shadow of that Wondrous Cross. Of Christ crucified for me. For me. That imperfect, insecure, weary, doubting, sinner. He loves me. He loves ME! Hannah Leilani Hulme. I am loved. And so are you.

So remember that when you are tempted to despair like I am. Let's all remember what price was paid for us on that hill of Calvary. Let us remember the One who endured and suffered all things and conquered them all. Let us remember that he was tempted in every single way we were, and never sinned. Let us remember how we are loved. How we are cherished. How we are carried by His strong arms, and encouraged and strengthened by His Holy Spirit.

That is a reason to rejoice and to hope. Remind me Jesus!

Lattes, laughs...and hope.

Well today...today was a good day.
It was the first day of school for all the public schools, so we no longer have the whole, quiet building to ourselves. Which is frustrating. It's so much louder and more crowded. But hey, lemme tell you one thing. I have never been so happy in my life NOT to be going back to high school in the afternoons! Haha to celebrate, I drove to Starbucks (which is right down the road from nursing...how awesome Lord!) and treated myself to my favorite drink: A grande skinny Cinnamon Dulce latte. I love that latte, man. It's like major comfort and love and joy. All in a single cup :) I do want to branch out a bit though...I need a new favorite drink. I like trying new things. Any suggestions??

So yeah, I had a friend encourage me this weekend. She wrote me a letter that God spoke to her. Just lifted my spirits so much and oh...made me want to hope and believe in the faithful, steadfast love of my Lord once again. I prayed in the car for the first time in awhile. Like actually prayed. Not sobbing and complaining to God. Just prayed. I asked Him for joy, for strength. I asked Him to let me see what a day without Lyme's would be like. Like just so I could get really excited about how much better I am going to be feeling. And by golly, did He answer! I was like CRAZY today! :-) Cracking jokes, laughing my head off at stupid things, not feeling like I was going to pass out from exhaustion while taking notes, actually feeling energy at the end of class...WOW. People seriously. It's like one of those things where unless you have to experience it, it just doesn't sound that awesome. But oh my freaking goodness it WAS. God is good.

I felt real tired after coming home, but went out to the garage and just worked out for awhile. That felt awesome. The doc says it's great that I have been exercising so long because my symptoms could be so much worse. I don't even want to think about feeling worse than I do...

All that to say, I think my faith is being strengthened little by little each day. God keeps sending me conformation regarding things I have been carrying in my heart, and it's crazy seeing it unfold. I have hope again.

I am reading a million books in my quiet time, and it's been GREAT! I highly recommend these books!

• Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon (daily devotional)
• Beside Still Waters also by Spurgeon
• Edges of His Ways by Amy Charmichael (LOVE THIS)
• A Woman after God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George (my little sis Naomi and I are gonna start this together)
• A Place of Quiet Rest by Elizabeth Elliot

Well, I am tired (surprise surprise) and have homework to do yet... love ya'll! God Bless you!!!