Remind me.

So I'm not perfect. Surprise surprise.
I don't know why I expect it of myself then! Like where. is. this. coming. from. Seriously. I mean, I know that God loves me just the same on my good days like he does my bad. But like I told my mom the other day, I just feel better about myself when I am perfect. When I do things right. When I work out for an hour, five days a week. When I make A's on tests. When people come to me for counsel, and immediately I have a super spiritual answer and they go away feeling better. When I lose 3 lbs in one week. When I get along amazingly with all 3 of my sisters. When I am happy, energetic and yes, love going to parties, care group and other functions to see people. When I don't want to do anything but go and read my Bible or listen to Christian music when I get in the car. When I go the whole day just praying and talking to God in the back of my mind. When I am motivated to serve others and sacrifice my interests. When I actually crave the salad instead of the peanut butter. When I clean my room. When I clean the kitchen just cuz I feel like blessing my sister by doing her dish night. Those are pretty stinkin' good days right there people. I am happy with myself, my self-esteem is high, people like me (because I'm super bubbly and happy and spiritual remember), church life is awesome, and oh yeah, God definitely loves me and is pleased with me... i mean come on! who wouldn't be??

and then i remember I'm human. the days that go by where I want to exercise, but just feel so daggon lazy, I make excuses why a run really isn't a good idea today. Or when I bomb a test because yes, I went to bed at 7 pm and didn't want to wake up early and study. Or even better, when I just totally skip the whole homework thing. Heck, watching Grey's Anatomy all night is way more interesting. When girls text me, in dire need of encouragement and I go blank. All I say is "Sorry I don't know.... ummm..I'll be praying for you....???"  When I gain 5 lbs and my jeans are once again too tight. When I am an absolutely brat with my family who is being nothing but loving and gracious with me. When I go to church and avoid people, not wanting anyone to know how much I really don't like the way life is going right now. When I cancel plans with people because I just don't want to put on that mask and pretend. When I flat out avoid chores, dish nights and pshh, forget serving. I'll do just enough of MY job so I don't get grounded. When I don't give a care about the salad. I will have that peanut butter. When I think Christian music is boring, and crank that country or hip hop at 6 in the morning. Goodness gracious... am I crazy?

I'm  just trying to be real here. I don't know what the matter is. I just feel like a despicable human being sometimes. Those days where I am like, wow. I seriously wonder if I am a Christian. *sigh*

I'm in a dry season. I know that. Even this blog points to that I am sure. I used to get lots of comments about how encouraging and inspiring my posts were. Now I sometimes wonder if I offend people. I don't mean to complain. I guess I am just struggling. And I hope that somewhere, even if it is just one person, that there is someone who might be struggling with life too. And that they might be comforted knowing they aren't alone.

Friend. Whoever you are...you are not alone.

Life gets tough. I am growing up and realizing that more every single day. The devil will try everything to get you to be discouraged and say "Screw this. God, I don't even feel you near anymore. If you really did love me, you wouldn't let all these trials to come and make me miserable." I'm not going to lie, this thought has entered my thinking many times. And it saddens me. But then...

There stands my Jesus.

My Jesus. My Helper. My Strength. My Strong Tower. My Healer. My Comforter. My Refuge. My Joy. My Song. My Almighty God. My Savior. My One and Only Love. My Provider. My Shield. My Shepperd. My Hope. My Song of Songs. My King of Kings. My Father. My best friend.

He is the one who enables and helps me to endure. Right now, I am in a place of just trying to keep one foot in front of the other. Life is very confusing and stressful. But nobody said it was going to be easy. I am just going to tell you right now. Whoever told you being a Christian was going to make all your problems vanish-yeah, they were lying to you. It is no cakewalk. It is a fight. A brutal, challenging, glorious, life-long, beautiful fight. And praise be to God, He doesn't leave me to fight alone!

 All this condemnation the devil hurls on me...why is it making me so downcast? Because I am not letting my Jesus fight for me. Why am I feeling so anxious and depressed because of life's circumstances? Because I am not letting Jesus lift my heavy burden off my shoulders for Him to carry. Why am I feeling despair and hopelessness about my future? Because I am not trusting in Him and His unfathomable love for me, and am doubting His power to bless me beyond my wildest dreams. Why am I not joyful? Because I am forgetting that I am free. Free to go. The debt has been paid, my chains have been loosed, and my burden of sin has fallen off my weary shoulders into the mouth of the pit as I stand in the shadow of that Wondrous Cross. Of Christ crucified for me. For me. That imperfect, insecure, weary, doubting, sinner. He loves me. He loves ME! Hannah Leilani Hulme. I am loved. And so are you.

So remember that when you are tempted to despair like I am. Let's all remember what price was paid for us on that hill of Calvary. Let us remember the One who endured and suffered all things and conquered them all. Let us remember that he was tempted in every single way we were, and never sinned. Let us remember how we are loved. How we are cherished. How we are carried by His strong arms, and encouraged and strengthened by His Holy Spirit.

That is a reason to rejoice and to hope. Remind me Jesus!