a dream.

So I have been doing alot of thinking recently. About lots of things really, but mainly I have been doing alot of honest, soul-searching questioning of myself. It's funny how differently you think of things when you don't have pressure from outside sources influencing your thinking. Like you can just take two seconds, just you and God, and think, talk and pray.

I've been thinking of life, and what I wanted it to look like.

Everyone has dreams and visions and ideas of the ideal life, right? I know we all go through every day with an ever-present awareness of our dreams and are always on the lookout for ways to make them happen. And if you are anything like me, dreams can often seem so far off, so unattainable, and I am always brought back down to earth  with the reality that it is only a dream.

But what if it wasn't? What if it was indeed the voice of God confirming His will to you? What if it is His way of encouraging you to keep your eyes focused upward and hoping in Him, rather than down at yourself, and all your troubles and worries?

For as long as I can remember, my dreams have revolved around three things: 1) Living on a large working farm with animals, hay, lots of green rolling hills, and a huge garden and orchard. 2) Having alot of kids. Like at least 8. Yes, I have always been one of those people. I want a huge family. I love children and they bring me such untold joy and happiness that the idea of having them as mine to love and look after and teach about Jesus...gaaah it just makes me so happy. And the third thing, well really I would've put it first. I have always wanted to be married. Married young. I don't know why my heart has wanted this for forever, but I guess it just really has been the desire of my heart to be someones partner in life. Someones best friend. Someones encourager, helper and best friend. Going through life with a teammate and never "being alone" just appeals to me. And like I said, my whole dream life has always been revolved around that one guy.

And so as you can imagine, when relationships don't work out and whatnot, I feel like my whole life is going to spiral out of control because a kind of important part isn't there!!

I know God is chuckling at me right now. And it's not just a funny laughing at my craziness chuckle. No, it's one of those where He can't contain the anticipation of having me find out all the things He has planned for me. That little shaking of the head and that, "Oh Hannah, Hannah, Hannah Leilani...Just you wait. Just you wait and see how I am going to blow your mind with the things I have in store for you."

And when I think of it like that, it's amazing, but suddenly my ideas and dreams and plans for my life suddenly mean nothing. I stop planning around the guy. I stop fretting about insignificant details. I stop worrying. Because I remember who I am,  who I belong to, and what my hope is in. Life is only about Jesus. Serving Him, Living for Him, spreading and sharing His love with the world around me.


So all that to say, I have been thinking of a life totally different. Another dream. Another goal. To love Jesus. I have been thinking of other things and other plans that don't involve my other dreams. Like my dream of traveling all over the world as a nurse. Ministering to a hurting world and not only doing what I can to fix their physical pains, but also share with them that they don't have to carry that pain in their hearts any longer. My dream of being a missionary. Of dedicating my whole self to the spread of the Beautiful Gospel. The Good News of Jesus. Sharing all that He has done with those who have never heard! Seeing lives transformed, seeing captives set free from chains of sin, of addiction, of  despair...oh friends, that makes me want to yell with joy. Gathering hurting people and telling them that they are loved and accepted and forgiven.

And finally, my children. Ever since I told Jesus I released my dreams to Him, and that I would let Him lead me, I have been thinking and praying for African children. The Lord told me I will have many. And He even told me that He wanted me to name the oldest boy Isaiah which means, "Salvation of God; the Lord helps me." Whoa!! Yes Lord, bring salvation to my sweet children, wherever they are. Help them Jesus. It's funny, I have never seen, met or heard of any of these children specifically, yet already my heart is lost to them. I pray for them with a passion and urgency that I have never experienced before. I wonder how they are doing, I pray continuously that God will watch over them and keep them safe, and already love them more than words can express or describe.

The Lord has really shifted my thinking. Taken my dreams and turned the focus from me to Him. Praise the Lord! Nothing else matters. In the end, only Jesus remains. All of these things will pass away, but He will forever be there, standing with me.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3: 8-11