ok so i don't usually make it a habit of sharing what I write etc. in my quiet times. I don't know why actually. maybe it's just me. but the things I write in my journal i write without reservation. it's just me and God. our special thing. only His eyes see what I pour onto the endless pages of my journal.
however, today I'm going to make a little exception. this is only because i am so encouraged by what he showed me today, and just felt it was too good to keep to myself! I sincerely hope and pray that you will read this and that your heart will be encouraged!
so these are my words to Jesus today, March 23rd.
read from Luke 22:44
"His sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground."
and then Spurgeon's comment from Morning and Evening--
"Behold! The great Apostle and High Priest of our profession, and He sweat even blood rather than yield us to the great tempter of our souls!"
Oh Jesus, how great is your goodness to me!! Father, in my desperation I cry to You! Oh God, I am at the utter end of myself...You alone are going to have to get me through this. I literally cannot go on one more day. I'm exhausted. I'm absolutely done. I have no more strength left. But, I am so excited because this is the part of the race where I collapse and fall over, and You come pick me up and start sprinting towards the finish line with me in Your arms! You are going to see to it that I finish my race. You love me too much to let me quit like this.
Oh Jesus, I'm not going to apologize for being weak and just not caring anymore. I'm so done with giving myself all this unnecessary heartache over trying to be perfect, and always trying to keep it together! I am a mess Jesus. And you know what?
it's okay.
Because YOU are all I need! YOU are my sustainer! YOU are my passion and desire when i have none to give. YOU can fill me with this last burst of energy, this last rush of adrenaline to cross my finish line strong. Everything else has failed me. And I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that it would happen...Friends have failed me. Working out every day and losing weight hasn't brought me happiness. Studying literally all the time and giving myself to nursing stuff all the time isn't fulfilling me. Talking to guys isn't making me think about or dwell on how much I am loved and cherished by YOU. Even listening to my music or playing my instruments isn't making me happy or giving me peace in this unbelievably difficult season of life.
So I'm done. Done fighting.
I'm done trying to do it myself and create my perfect little universe on my own. I can't do it now, I've never been able to do it, and I know now that I never will be able to do it without YOU.
There's only one set of footprints in the sand right now. No more Hannah trying to be all tough and strong and sprint her way through the soft, deep, shifting sand. No more pretending I have the strength to get through this alone.
I am throwing myself upon YOU my loving Father! Show Your faithfulness to Your servant once again!
Jesus....to say "I love you" just sounds so flat and boring. And it doesn't even approach what I feel about You. I have never been so captivated, or felt so desperate for someone or something like I am for You. God, I seriously cannot even imagine what it would be like to live without You. Like I literally cannot wrap my mind around that concept. I would rather be dead in a hole somewhere than live without you. And I sincerely mean that with all of my heart.
YOU are the only reason I live. YOU are why I wake up every single morning to face this wretched world with the hope of the Gospel. Nothing here will ever satisfy me. The only reason I am here is to share the Great News with those wandering from You. That's all I do. I just want to honor You and bring You glory. That's it. Nothing else. No one else.
Just give me Jesus. For YOU are all that I need. You are everything to me. And I am nothing without You.
So take my life today, and use me as You will. Take these last 83 days of school, and O God, help me through them!!! Carry me. Sustain me. Hold me.
I am slinging to You with all the strength I have left. I'm not going to waste anymore on trying to do this myself.
So receive ALL the Glory, and do this for the sake of Your Mighty Name.
I do love you!!
Amen.
And He answered!!
"The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing!"
Isaiah 51:3
AND
"For I am the LORD your God,
who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar—
the LORD Almighty is his name.
I have put my words in your mouth
and covered you with the shadow of my hand—
I who set the heavens in place,
who laid the foundations of the earth,
and who say to Zion, ‘You are my people...'"
Isaiah 51:15-16
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