I wanted to share this with ya'll... and please hear my heart in this. I don't want this to feel like a self- pity party. I want you as my readers to see that we all face times where we question the way God designed us...espicially us ladies ;) And I too struggle as you will soon see!
I hope you can hear a tiny bit of my life and then be encouraged to remember that YOU are beautifully and wondrously created by God and that you are
PERFECT
just the way He made you.
Dear Jesus,
How was tonight? Tonight was terrible...I was so excited about going with the girls and getting crazy and having fun and just enjoying life as a teenager for once!
I am sitting here truly at a loss for words. I don't even know what to think. I mean geesh! I'm a senior! I'm an 18-year old girl who wants to have fun! I like dressing up and getting all pretty! So why oh why did I hate the dance tonight?!
What made me stop in the middle of that crowded dance floor, in a dark and flashing whirl of blaring music, dancing teenagers and the thrill of the night? What arrested my mind in that moment paralyzed me where I stood, and made me want to throw up? Why is it that all I could think in that moment was, "I'm not supposed to be here!" Why Jesus? I don't understand.
As I discretely slipped out of the chaos and into the hallway, I began to breathe in the fresh, cold air. I looked out of that floor-length window out to the breathtaking Town Center two flights below. What an enchanted place. You and I both know how much I hate the city, but I don't know. There's something special about this place. Down the street, I saw the fountain that I have always wanted to jump in. I saw the pizza place that Daddy took me on a date once. I saw the place where I want to go on my first date during Christmas time. And I saw the Sandler Center....oh that majestic concert hall! I can hear the music in my very being, even though the doors are locked and the building is silent. The hall might be still and closed for the night, but in my heart and mind, the music never sleeps. I can always hear it.
God, why am I crying? Why am I standing here going crazy with confusion? Why can't I bring myself to go back into that crazy room and dance like a normal person?
What's wrong with me?! Why does my heart break to watch the kids around me? Why do I feel so unbelievably out of place here? Why can I not think of anything else but lying beside a creek in the summer, or swinging on a tire swing in my favorite white summer dress? Why do I think about swing dancing with my sisters in the middle of the kitchen, or baking Christmas cookies in the kitchen while singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs? Why do I like boots instead of high heels? Why do I hate every single song on 100.5? Why do I prefer staying home in front of the fire with a good book, to going out and shopping for clothes? Why do I enjoy deep conversations instead of just light chit chat? Why am I so quiet, and not outgoing and crazy-wild like my friends? Why do I dislike high school so much? Why do I take everything so seriously?
Why can't I just be like other people?
Father, I want to believe you made me special and that you made me to be me!! I want to know in my heart that I do not merely exist, but that you made me the way I am for a reason. Jesus, I feel so alone right now. I feel like I don't belong here. I don't feel like anyone understands. But I know You do. Even though it’s so hard for me to see, Jesus, I ask you would help me to love the way you made me.
Thank you for making me feel so out of place tonight at the dance. Thank you for moving on my heart. Thank you for being there with me. I wouldn't have been able to make it without you.
Jesus, please give me the desires of my heart. Give me what my heart longs for.....you know everything. Yet your will be done Jesus.
Thank you for making me who I am. Nights like tonight remind me that I am not just a normal girl. I am not an 18- year old high school senior that happened to be a Christian…no. I am a Christian that happens to be an 18-year old high school senior. I’m I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I am a Princess, and my Father is the most High God! Help me to walk in a way that is worthy of You. I love you.
With all my heart,
Hannah Leilani
3 comments:
Thanks for your honesty. I feel like this often, but I know that God lovingly and intentionally places us "out of place" people right here and right now for a reason. There's something about our interests and desires that He doesn't want to see lost from the world. So let's not hide them under a bushel! God bless!
I understand how you feel. You have received a gift. You now have a strong feeling associated with the functional truth in your life...I am in the world but not of it. Your Savior knows! Good that you did not violate your conscience and remain when you were called to go. Very proud of you. You are getting stronger with each day.
Hi Hannah!
Wow! I'm so glad you wrote this post! I am an 18 year old Christian girl also, so I can understand how you feel. I want to do things the right way in God's eyes. Because of that, I often feel out of place around unsaved family members and acquaintances. I'm so thankful that the Lord placed Godly friends in my life for encouragement and companionship. If you like, I would like to be your friend. If you ever want to email me, my address is: pawpawsgirl92@hotmail.com I hope you do. Have a beautiful day!
P.S. Also, I have a blog http://learninglifelessons92.blogspot.com/ Come visit sometime. =)
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